gratitude

Every morning I awaken with my baby, and the feeling that I have been run over by a truck.  At least, I think I might feel the same if I was ever run over by a truck.  Instead, I have been awoken too many times through the night by a baby who has not yet learned that Mommy is nicer when she gets more sleep.  It takes every ounce of energy I have to open my eyes and drag myself out of bed.  And I wonder, will I make it through the day feeling this exhausted?  But every day, God give me the strength I need.  Once I am up (and have had that first cup of coffee) I actually feel pretty good.
For this I am grateful.

I have a 3-year-old.  She is going through a demanding phase.  I imagine I am not the only mom who wants to shout, Are you kidding me, Child?!?  I have devoted my entire day to entertaining you, picking up after you, feeding you, cleaning you, singing to you, reading to you, and driving you around!  I have given up my entire previous life of independence to care for you!!  And YOU are complaining about way I cut up your hot dog?!!  But I don't.  Instead I feel a deep compassion and love for this selfish child who God has entrusted to my care.  I am given patience where I had none.  Gentle words replace ugly ones. It is a genuine mothering miracle.
For this I am grateful.

My time is not my own.  It takes most of the morning to get myself dressed, let alone tidy up the breakfast dishes.  Entropy catches up to me quickly.  The children are incessant.  I can never quite recount what I have done between the hours of 7am and 11am, but I believe the time has vanished into filling the minor needs of my girls - making animals talk, changing a diaper, pulling out toys, feeding someone.  The day proceeds like this.  There is a point in the afternoon, far too brief but existent none-the-same, when both girls are napping (or at least quiet in their rooms.)  I sink into the couch, open my Bible, check email, or simply stare into empty space.  A tiny sliver of peace in a world of chaos.  The moment refreshes me.
For this I am grateful.

I am describing small, daily miracles.  Except that they are not small.  They are stuff life is made out of.  God gives us incredible strength to do what He asks us to do, to be who He asks us to be, to love how He asks us to love.
For this I am grateful.

In the new year I am making a conscious effort to practice the discipline of gratitude.  It is not a question of what I have to be grateful for, but whether I choose to see it.

This post is a follow up from my last post.

new year

It is not something I normally say, but I am relieved to be exiting 2011.  For me, it was a year essentially filled with not feeling good.  And I do truly recognize that I have little to complain about because I am not terminally ill and have the function of all of my limbs, etc.  But it was a selfish year, spent wallowing in the exhaustion of pregnancy, and spent uncomfortably summoning the motivation to do menial tasks.  Eternal hibernation sounded positive to me.  On top of it all, pregnancy hijacked my personality.  If you know me on a daily basis, thanks for not giving up on me.

As I emerge from the fog of a year spent not myself, I almost want to jump for joy as I see glimpses of the "me" I have been missing.  I feel motivated to start projects, to play with my kids, to make jokes, and wonder of all wonders, to make dinner!  (This is the one that really clued me in... for me to feel like making dinner means that I actually have extra energy.)  

The arrival of the new year always prompts my heart to change, and somehow make this next year count for more.  It is the opportunity to grab the map and make sure I know where I am going... and maybe plan out a better route than the one I have been on.

In the wake of this year of self-centeredness, New Year Resolutions seem pretty much expected.  I have nowhere to go but up.  So, taking the prostrate position, I asked God where He wants change in my life.  Then I asked Him to narrow it down a bit because His answers were overwhelming me.  Like I said, nowhere to go but up.

In the end, there are two specific areas I feel God is calling me to focus on this year: Gratitude and Generosity.  Two ways to make the year more about Him, and less about me.  Two attitudes that cannot fail.  Two tools for making me a more unselfish person.  Two steps closer to becoming the woman God wants me to be.

Gratitude - Focusing on God.  Choosing to see the "haves" in my life instead of the "have-nots".  Practicing the art of thankfulness again and again and again until it is not an outward effort, but overflows from a heart that is filled to the brim.

Generosity - Giving to others.  Not financially (why do we always think of generosity as being material?)  Generosity in every other way possible... in time, in effort, in words of affirmation, in thoughts toward others, in giving the benefit of the doubt, in not keeping track of what is fair but generously erring on the side of someone else.  

I would like to give a hearty welcome to this wonderfully new year, and wonderfully better version of myself.

december in review

Yes, I know, December has come and gone.  In most cases I am not quite sure where I find the time to blog, but in December the time literally did not exist.  After a busy month of prepping for Christmas Day, we awoke to find that Santa had left us a nasty cold virus under the Christmas tree.  I have been out of commission ever since, either caring for sick children or attempting to sleep off the cold myself.  Ahhh, precious sleep.  I am dreaming that the year 2012 will hold more sleep for me than the year 2011 did.

A few highlights from December...
Sommer got her first ride on the tractor.

A visit from my brother, and his first ride on the tractor too!

A visit from Oma and Opa.

A baby bunny.

Note: After this picture was taken, Sommer yanked out a fistful of bunny fur... whoops.  That darn clench reflex.  The baby bunny was released and seems to be doing just fine.

Special girl-bonding time.  (We are contemplating the possibility that Sommer may be part Inuit - must be Christian's Norwegian side of the family!)

In addition to the respiratory virus, Santa left us 3 goldfish and a castle for them to play in, per specific request by Annike.  He also left this in my stocking...

It was a good Christmas.

But, here we are in 2012... finally.  Between pregnancy and newbornland, I am not sure that 2011 was one of my finer years.  One year ago on January 1st, I found out I was pregnant with little Sommer.  It was a wonderful New Year's gift... and the rest of the year I didn't feel so great.  But she is worth it!  (At least, I think she will be one day).

I hereby raise a fictitious toast to a new year that holds more sleep and less physical discomfort, more thankfulness and less complaining.  And a toast to my fantastic husband, who really picks up the slack when I am not myself.  Thank you, Lord, for the new beginnings that cycle regularly through our lives.

christmas time is here

There are reasons we all love the holidays, and reasons we all dread them.  This week I am having my annual oh-no-I-haven't-started-Christmas-shopping-yet stress out session.  Every year I think I will be purchasing less presents than the year before, but I somehow get sucked into the mad dash of gift-buying as the actual day of Christmas approaches.  Sigh.

Materialism is why I dread Christmas. But there are plenty of reasons I love this time of year... the traditions, the nostalgia, the glow of white Christmas lights in my living room, the smell of pine needles, the crackle of the fireplace.  And some other favorites...


favorite morning ritual:  Eggnog instead of creamer in my coffee.

favorite holiday grocery item: Fondue (we buy pre-boxed at Nob Hill) - great for a festive dinner in minutes when you cut up a loaf of bread and an apple for dipping.  Yum!


favorite baked good:  Homemade Cinnamon Rolls.  The Pioneer Woman really rocks these.  Just when I was starting to lose the baby weight, I had to go and make some of these.  Oh well.  What crazy person tries to lose weight around the holidays anyway?

favorite family outing:  Cutting down the Christmas tree, of course!  We didn't cut it down this year, due to tricky nap schedules.  But we did make a special family outing and chose our together at a great little locally-owned and family-operated farm.  We tried a new variety (a Grand Fir) and it is one of the best trees we've had.

favorite activity with kids:  Decorating the Christmas tree.  Last year I hung all of the breakable ornaments at the top, and when our tree fell over in the middle of the night (huge crash, Christian thought we were being robbed, but no, it was just the tree on the ground) we lost the majority of our glass ornaments.  They were missed when I opened up the ornament box last week, but our tree is officially kid-friendly.  Hanging the ornaments was right up Annike's alley this year.  She had an incredible attention span for getting those tiny loops around the branches.  I had to redistribute when she wasn't looking.











favorite advent activity:  The Christmas story told in 24 parts.  We are loving this advent calendar, new this year from Oma, which tells the story of Mary and Baby Jesus in 24 tiny little doors.  In past years we have used the chocolate advent calendars, which are unquestionably meaningless.  Advent is more than simply counting down the days until Christmas, it is engaging in active preparation to celebrate the arrival of our Savior.

favorite secular christmas song:  Mariah Carey's "All I want for Christmas is You".  Yes, that is embarrassing to admit.  It takes me back to my college days (when that was everyone's favorite song.)


favorite spiritual christmas song: "Oh Holy Night".  I almost can't hear it without tearing up.


favorite christmas book:  What Child is This? by Caroline B. Cooney.  An easy one-day read.  This tiny book is about a foster child who makes her angel-tree wish for a family instead of something material like a pair of shoes.  I cry for the final half of the book.  It makes me want to adopt children.

favorite scripture passage:  Isaiah 9:6-7 "For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders.  And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.  Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end..."


favorite old holiday tradition:  Listening to my dad read one of his favorite short stories to us: "A Christmas Memory" by Truman Capote.  He can't get through it without tearing up.  It isn't the story that I love; it is listening to the way the story moves my father that touches me.  Along with some humorous characterizations, the story captures the true essence of relationships at Christmas, and the beauty in a holiday tradition.  It almost makes fruitcake sound like a good idea.

favorite new holiday tradition:  Anonymous giving.  I wrote about one of our favorite family traditions in my blog post last year, here.  We did not get on the ball to adopt a family this year (that seems to be a theme for my life this fall... not being on top of things), but the act of giving, especially anonymously, is surely the action I think the most about upon exiting December.  As a young family we are still in the stage of creating traditions.  I pray that my me-centered-children learn to derive more joy from the act of sharing our abundance with others than they do from receiving gifts.  Pretty sure they are not there yet.  Hopefully with consistency and a lot of emphasis on what is truly important, they too, will grow to love the giving opportunities this season provides.






I feel better already, just focusing on the reasons to adore this month of Christmas.  I just might decide to forego the rest of my shopping (and stress) and enjoy some more meaningful traditions instead.

Merry Christmas!

I linked up with Not My Own to share about intentional family traditions at Christmas

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invitation

I dread the bedtime routine.  It can really go on and on with Annike.  One more story... another song... now I need a snack.  Sometimes at the end of a long day I tell my husband, "I am done being a mom now."... which means that I don't want to have any more mother-related responsibilities for the day.

I've forgotten that my job is more important than that.

Tonight, after Christian spent time winding her down, it was my turn to go in to pray with Annike.  I was particularly distracted, tired, rushed.  But the thoughtful question of my recently-turned-3-year-old grounded me...

Annike:  Is God here?
Me: Yes.
Annike: Does He live way far away, up in the clouds?
Me:  Not really... we often picture heaven up in the clouds, but God is always here with us.  He wants to come and live in your heart.  One day you can ask Him.  When you ask, He will always say yes.   (I have been careful not to push this decision on her, and allow her to take the initiative on her own.)
Annike:  Can I ask Him now?
Me:  Yes.
Annike:  I'll start.  Dear God.  Can you come in my heart? Amen ...  Momma, are you crying?

Of course I was.  But not because I was sad.  No God-fearing mother wants to miss the moment when her child invites God to live in her heart.

I realized that the moment had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with a 3-year-old who is trying to make sense of God.  I almost missed it because I would rather have been watching t.v. on the couch, selfishly enjoying the final moments of the day sans kiddos.  But parenting isn't something we can simply turn on and off when we feel like it.  Neither is our walk with Christ.  In a way, I wanted to turn both of these identities off with the bedroom lights.

Tonight I was rather humbly reminded that this final part of the day is not just one more chore I have to finish before I can relax.  It is an opportunity.  I have a chance to be intentional about the way we spend this one-on-one time, possibly the most meaningful minutes of the day.


P.S.  In case you are wondering, the Proverbs thing (see here) is just what I've been needing.  Every day I come away with a deep truth that follows me through the day, relating to a multitude of dilemmas.  Proof that Scripture is alive.

Today's Truth:

"Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act."

Proverbs 3:27

proverbs

In a desperate search for wisdom as a mother... as a wife... as a friend... as a woman... as a daughter... as an encourager... as a listener... as an advice-giver... as a chore do-er... as a musician... as a teacher... as a book-keeper... as a money-spender... as a time-spender... as a leader in women's ministry... as a woman seeking to strive for God's best in my life... Wow.  I need a lot of wisdom.  Primarily, as a mother raising these two little monkeys...

... Miss Grump-o on the right, and Miss Unpredictable on the left.

In this desperate search for wisdom, I am committing to read a section of Proverbs each morning before I get out of bed.  A book full of wisdom for all occasions.  A "section" will remain loosely defined.  Perhaps only a few verses are necessary to chew on for the remainder of the day.  Right now, that is all I can commit to, but it is a starting point in my quest to become the woman God wants me to be.

Anyone with me?

Today's gem:

"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but a fool despises wisdom and discipline."

Proverbs 1:7

in the country

Living in the country has its advantages and disadvantages.  Fortunately, nothing as horrid as the boot incident has happened in a few years (major disadvantage).  Over the summer we had ample opportunity to interact with the nature surrounding us, giving me a greater appreciation for the detailed care that God took as He created the world we live in.  We've stumbled across some of His treasures in our own backyard.

Having a husband who likes to catch creepy-crawlies certainly helps us admire them.  Our daughter thinks lizards are pets...

Orange-bellied salamandar

different type of salamandar

... and hunts for ladybugs in grass taller than she is...

... and loves to chase chickens.

She will probably kiss a toad one day looking for her handsome prince.  Until then, she can be content with simply holding one.

She will eat anything that is grown in our yard.  The garden was full of produce this year - carrots, onions, tomatoes, and the sweetest crop of beets I have ever tasted.  

Oma and Opa helped pick the last of the summer veggies.

Annike devouring a garden fresh tomato.

No current pictures of all the fruit in our orchard, but we are up to our ears in apples.

Sommer is too young to eat from the garden, but we are training her now to love the outdoors.

We have discovered some other treasures of nature like this wasp nest with perfectly hexagonal cells repeated over and over and over.

And this morning as we were exiting the driveway, a magnificent creature flew right in front of the car.  It landed in the road, clearly injured.  Christian rushed to rescue the wounded bird, and THIS is what he captured...

... a Great-Horned Owl with talons like daggers and a beak that made me glad I wasn't a mouse.  The towel was necessary protection.  Have you ever seen such beautiful eyes?  An intelligent creature to be sure.

Notice the relative size of Annike to the owl.  Animal rescue picked up our winged friend this afternoon (now maybe he will stop keeping us up at night!)

How cleverly God created each of his creatures, both great-horned and small.  The care taken as He designed each individual uniquely for survival in their world... down to the color of their eyes.  How much more care has He taken with us?  Surely this testifies to the greatness of His love.