firstfruits

"Bring the best of the firstfruits of your soil to the house of the LORD your God..."  

Exodus 23:19

There was a lightly attended morning convocation service I enjoyed during college if I had time between classes. One Friday morning, a guest speaker whose name I do not recall and whose face I would not recognize, shared a challenging story about his own journey with God because of a commitment he made to read his Bible every day for a year. The idea was to read anything, short or lengthy, so long as the Bible was opened and the date was recorded in a journal as a form of accountability.

It seemed a simple enough commitment, with a rewarding enough outcome, that I took up the challenge. I didn't exactly get all 365 dates of that year in my journal, but it was the first time in my life I had engaged in regular Bible reading and quiet times with God, and it was life-changing.

I consider that decision to be one of the dramatic turning points in my testimony, transforming me almost overnight into a woman pursuing solid food instead of milk (Hebrews 5:12-14). The commitment also turned me into a journaler, though I am sure no one who reads this blog will be surprised to learn I process my thoughts by writing them! I continued in this pattern of setting aside quiet time, with my Bible and journal in hand, on a mostly-daily basis for many years.

Then I had kids.

The change was gradual at first. However, recently it has become obvious that the main obstacle between my Bible and me is that there is no such thing as QUIET TIME. Quiet now means that the volume in the house is such that I can hear the thoughts in my own head because the little voices are talking to each other instead of me. Time is what I use to cook dinner or empty the dishwasher or move toys from the living room back into the bedroom. Awakening early ends up awakening the others in the house early as well. Actual quiet time is a rare enough occasion that when it occurs I become immediately anxious about how to fill it... should I finish the project I started 3 weeks ago? should I sweep up the crumbs left from dinner last Wednesday? should I take a nap? return a phone call? pay bills? check my email?...
Should I read my Bible?

It is a daily battle for me to find time for anything that doesn't involve six small, enthusiastic, but not-so-helpful hands, let alone quiet time that belongs to me and God alone. Yet, it is God who first invented the idea of motherhood. He put this love and desire for children deep within me. He designed the whole of mankind to prosper through the affection and nurture of a mother. He endorses and embraces my role as mother. He intimately knows each busy, noisy, detail of my day, and still longs to meet me somewhere, anywhere, on a daily basis.

He is not asking too much. Even in my busiest seasons He has never asked me to give Him something I don't have. He asks only for the firstfruits of what I do have. In this case, He is asking for the firstfruits of my time.

"Bring the best of the firstfruits of your soil to the house of the LORD your God..." 

Exodus 23:19

Literally, the firstfruits are the first and best harvest of a crop. The ancients were asked to give to the Lord the first and the best of what they had grown to survive, trusting that He would ultimately provide all they needed.

Time has always felt like something I need to survive. I cling to it tightly, selfishly, with anxious ownership over how I want to distribute it. There has been, and always will be, something more pressing to do than reading my Bible during any free or quiet time. In my moments of struggle with what to do, how to divide, where to give, I try to remember that the time was never mine to begin with. It is a gift from God.

Pursuing God and Biblical wisdom has come to look different than it did during my childless days. It is not as quiet. It is not as focused. Yet, it can still be a regular pursuit. Perhaps pursuing Him involves a greater sacrifice of time than ever before. But the reward is sweet. He asks for the firstfruits of my time, promising that as I give it to Him, so will He provide for me in all the ways I need.

sharing

We are having a little trouble sharing around here. More specifically, two little girls I spend a lot of time with are having trouble.

It is a familiar story, I am sure. One sister is playing with toy A, but put it down for a moment in a perceived "safe" location. The other sister comes along and picks it up, but the first sister thinks it is still hers. Who is wrong?

The rules of sharing can be a bit of a gray area. Does it go to the person who had it first? Does the youngest player get priority? Do we place a time allotment on all toys? Perhaps we should break the toy in half? Buy two of everything, and might we finally have some peace around here?!

None of those are the answer at all. Because sharing is not really about obeying a set of rules that dictate priority, the way that someone always has the stronger hand in a game of poker. Sharing is a heart issue. And it seems that when the girls are arguing over a toy that they are always both wrong. Little hearts in the ugly process of being refined.

I have come to realize that the rules they learn about sharing here in our home are also the rules they will follow outside of our home. So if we allow someone who pitches a fit to get a toy, then she learns to make a big fuss every time she wants something. And if we divide up the toys so that each child is the owner of her own play things, then they learn to hang tightly to their possessions. These rules are character-shaping.

I would much rather think that what my children learn about sharing here in our home, when no one else is visiting or watching, doesn't matter. The easiest way to handle any scuffles is to placate or distract or ignore. Here, honey, why don't you play with this instead? But I have to view these arguments as a greater opportunity to build character. Building character apparently takes work.

So what exactly is it I want them to be learning in these arguments over toy animals and plastic kazoos?... in these character building opportunities?
I want them to realize the joy in unselfishness.
I want them to be generous.
I want them to learn that sharing is the way you show love to the people around you.

Then why is it hardest to share with those we love the most?

It isn't just the little hearts that are being refined in this area. You hopefully won't find me screaming at someone else for holding my stuffed animals, so at least there has been progress in my life! We only have trouble sharing things that are really important to us. But I sure do feel possessive over that quiet hour in the afternoon when I get to sit down and check my email. Or the slow way I want to wake up in the morning. Or getting to sit in my special place on the couch. And the thing that can really make my heart boil is if my husband is taking it easy while I am running around picking up every one's messes and cleaning and cooking for the household. My selfish heart doesn't want to give him that quiet space because I am too busy wishing he would give it to me instead. Not the greatest example of sharing.

Today, when I had this quiet moment to myself, a still small voice was whispering for me to spend the moment reading my Bible. No, screamed my self, I don't want to share this time with anyone! Not even God! And there lies the root of the problem.

But I listened. I gave the first fruits of my quiet time to God. And it was God who gave back to me as I emerged from the time filled with the joy of sharing, ready once again to be a living example of it in my home.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."  

Philippians 2:3-4

helpless

Well, the verdict is out. Karsten is definitely my most mellow and content newborn. Thank you, Lord. I needed this.

Strange, but I think because he is mellow it took me a little longer to bond with this third baby. Don't get me wrong, I am now fully in love and completely attached to this squishy adorable face. I just think it might be harder to bond with a baby who sleeps all the time. Not complaining, just saying.

All of those hours spent rocking and comforting my other crying newborns actually served the purpose of attaching us to each other quickly, in that supernatural way that God intended for a mother to feel attached to her children. And it has got me thinking that maybe God intended babies to be fussy for just that reason. Something about a tiny helpless baby being in need bonds us as we swoop in to rescue them.

Life is like that too. We live through seasons that are especially hard, and we might feel especially needy. On the other side of that life experience, however, we can see how the season changed us in a permanent way. There was a bonding that took place, a deep spirit learning, an experiencial wisdom that was gained. Those needy times are the only ways to get a certain supernatural change to take place within us. In our need, we are given the gift of helplessness, being reliant on God to swoop in and rescue us.

Perhaps God intend for hard seasons to work just like that in our lives.

I am just thanking God daily that He decided this baby would not be a full test of my helplessness. And if God chose to give me a baby who knows how to sleep and sit contently, I am not going to question His good gift. I am sure we have plenty of other challenges ahead!

at home

It occurred to me recently that if I have three children,  though I am not making any announcements or commitments here, I will spend a minimum of 10 years at home with small children.  That  is an entire decade.  It just sounds like a really long time to me, considering that it is currently 1/3 of my life.

Another thing that struck me is that this decade will be spent almost entirely with children who are too young to have any memories of the time together.  Ten years of my life spent pouring into children who wont remember any of it.

I have to be careful how I say this, because I truly believe that these young years are crucial to a child's development, and I wholeheartedly recognize the great gift it is to be with my own children during these years.  I would not trade in this time with them for anything.  However, doesn't it seem like a strange way to spend valuable adult years?  This is an entire decade given over to day-in, day-out routines.  These are years when adult conversations are few and conversations at home consist primarily of one-syllable words.  And from a Spiritual point of view, these are years when it is difficult to be involved in any type of ministry (outside of my house, that is.)  Doesn't that seem like a colossal waste of an adult who could be doing so many other things to better the world?

But, No.  To Him it doesn't.

Once again, His designs are much better than mine would ever be.  The most crucial part of Jesus' own ministry was a mere 3 years of His life.  What was He doing for the other three unrecorded decades between the manger and His first miracle? ...Just because it isn't recorded, doesn't mean it wasn't important.  If even Jesus needed 30 years of preparation to do God's will, then perhaps this decade in my life is part of the larger plan too.

I tend to view this whole mom-at-home thing as something I am doing for my children, and sometimes I feel a little left out of the picture.  But God is showing me that being at home is a big part of His plan for me too.  The kids, and me.

Something about being home with these kids, amidst the monotony of laundry and dishes and runny noses and more laundry, having zero time for myself, is... character-building.  It is a big part of how God wants to prepare me to follow Him anywhere.  About what it means to be stripped of all titles and see myself without any of them, the way that God sees me.  About how to die to self day after day after day, and in the end be more myself than ever.  And ultimately, being home with these children teaches me how to love people the way that He loves people.

Isn't that what it's all about?  Loving people the way that God loves people.

I am always chasing after my final product.  But there is no final product, not on earth, anyway.  This decade spent in raising young children is not some stray deviation from the plan... or hiatus from the plan... it is the plan.  It is the plan to refine me piece by piece, however long it takes.